Growing up I always thought my mom was invincible and that she could do anything. In fact she could do just about anything she was my mom and my dad, my brownie leader, my 4-H leader, my taxi driver, and she mothered all the kids in the neighborhood. She made the time to be room mother at school for my class and my brother’s class and on top of all of that she sometimes worked two or three jobs to make sure we had a roof over our head and food on the table and clothes on our backs. She did such a good job I honestly didn’t know until I was much older that we were just scraping by. Were there times I wish we had more, absolutely, would I change anything, probably not. Growing up the way I did is a huge part of who I have become as an adult and as a mother.
Even though my mom was incredible she wasn’t invincible like I thought. Around the time I graduated from high school my mom started having numbness and pain in her hands, wrists, elbows, and shoulders. She was diagnosed as having rheumatoid arthritis. For those of you that don’t know about it Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) is an autoimmune disease. It causes your body to attack itself, specifically the joints. Her RA manifested very rapidly crippling her hands quickly, and causing her pain when she walked. In a matter of only a few years my mom went from being very active to being a homebody that rarely left her room. She’s had all her knuckles replaced and both knees replaced and still she can’t grip much of anything, and she still walks slowly and not very far.
I now find myself mothering my mother. I’m making sure she gets to doctors visits and making sure she has her meds, helping her dress, helping her shower, and various other things that she used to be able to do. I’m finding its very hard to switch roles with her, sometimes I find myself getting agitated when she can’t do something or moves too slowly and then I feel guilty. Part of my brain gets that she can’t do these things but another part of my brain remembers her being such an able bodied person and can’t wrap around the fact that physically she isn’t the same person anymore. It can be very mentally exhausting switching roles especially when they were so able in the past. Fortunately I have a great support system in my husband, my children, and my aunt and her two daughters.
Have you found yourself caring for someone that you never expected to?
Not yet, but my dad (83) joked about it with me about 2 weeks ago. Said when he turns 100 I’ll have to help me take a bath and change his drawers!! We laughed…
I know that time will come. My mom is younger than that and still doing her thing….but me and my two siblings will be there for them, just like they were there for us. Don’t know what I’ll do if I lost my mom. She is my crutch.
Hope things get better on your end Stacie!!
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Thanks Kim. I know what you mean about your mom being your crutch. When that time comes I’m going to be a wreck. God willing that is a long way off.
This is really a tough spot that more and more of us are finding ourselves in.. the sandwich group… taking care of parents while still having children at home.
Thanks for sharing your journey,
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It’s tougher than I expected it to be. It’s hard seeing them unable to do something and almost childlike again. One thing though is that my kids have been great during it all. They help out when needed and don’t complain. I’m so proud of them.
I remember my mom going through this with her her parents and I have a sister-in-law going through this right now. I’m sure my time is coming, as my parents age too. What a wonderful daughter you are to take care of your mother with such love. That in itself speaks volumes about the kind of woman your mother raised!
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Thanks Debora. Having seen your mom go through it prepares you somewhat as you know what to expect. Having a good support system is the key I think.
I am struggling with this a bit also. However, with my own mother, it is more a matter of I know she needs to slow down and be taken care of (and I know she knows this too) but she is stubborn. She needs to take a break from work, due to a bad car accident many years ago she still suffers with fused vertebrae and early onset osteoarthritis. I worry for her, but she is determined she is fine. Kudos to you for taking such good care of your mom! I only hope I have that stamina when the time comes…
Dannie good luck with your mom. You will find the stamina when it comes time. My thoughts are with you and your mom as she heals from her accident.
Hi Dinky Lee,
It is very difficult to be someone’s caretaker. Remember to take care of yourself also, though. It’s not a selfish thing to do. It is a necessity. Find your peace in some way.
Thank you for sharing this very personal moment into your soul. Good luck and may God give you strength.
Karina
http://momintheusa.blogspot.com
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Thank you Karina. That is definately one thing I have made sure of. I leave to go to the gym for an hour at least 3 times a week and it escape to my tub as well.
Stacee, this post really touched me. I am not in a situation like that, but I identify with so much of what you’ve written about. My mom raised me as a single mom with help from her mother. My grandma was very active. Very quick, very resourceful. She is old and mostly disabled now and my mom is the sole caretaker. I sense her frustration at the fact that this is no longer the same person she knew and was often dependent on. It saddens and frustrates me too, to think of my grandma that way. I’ve moved continents so I am only a distant onlooker but I completely identify with your post.
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Just be there for your mom because she is going to need to lean on you at times. Fortunately I have my kids to help me out when I need them.
Not yet. But my mom is also suffering from RA and a disorder/syndrome/disease (they haven’t yet figured out what it is) called Scleroderma. It’s a strange thing but it starts to slowly take over your body and it’s pretty scary. I’ve left her back in NY when I moved to Florida but I know she’ll have to come down here soon and I’m going to be taking care of her.
xoxo,
KG
htto://www.kgstyleblogs.com
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RA is a disease that is hard on person who has it but I feel its just as hard on those of use that don’t have it. Its not something you can really see and not having had it it’s just really hard to imagine what they are going through. I admire you for having the plan to take care of her when she does need help.
My Mom is 92 and still going strong. But I do find myself helping her more and more–do I resent it-NO–I am just thankful that she can still do so much on her own–
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That’s awesome that she is still doing so much on her own at her age. You are very fortunate. Thanks for sharing.
You are so wonderful to help care for your mother when she is in need. I do remember when my mother lost her mobility. It was hard on her to have to wait for others to do what she wanted to do for her self. Thanks for sharing your memories.
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My mom gets very impatient as well and she refuses to ask for help. She would rather take 8 days to Sunday to walk through Wal-Mart than just get on one of those motorized carts and zip through in no time.
Not yet but I will step into the roll when it happens. I would never want to send my parents away to a senior home. I am very lucky to have two active and healthy parents and hopefully that is many years in the future.
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You are very lucky that both your parents are active and healthy. Hopefully they know what a wonderful daughter they have who is already willing to be there when they need her.
I wear your shoes. And I blog a lot about it; my mother is nothave any disease, but she is 94 and failing even though she still lives on her own; we scrape by with getting her help and I know well that “agitated” feeling, as well as those feelings of guilt. Very difficult situation. At least you have family support. I don’t.
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The guilt is the hardest part to deal with I think. I never thought I would ever have those feelings and then when I did I felt like the most horrible person alive. It’s women like you who share your stories that have helped me deal with those feelings. They are still there but I know that I’m not alone in my thoughts. Thanks for sharing.